Boundaries are the Rules of Engagement

Mar 21, 2025

In the last episode, I explored my journey through a growing understanding of power. That post actually started as a review of my journey through understanding boundaries, but I realized that without owning my own power, the ability to recognize and enforce my boundaries was pretty much moot. So, the topics were broken into two pieces, though I now think they are integral to each other. Interconnected, such that without owning my power, the ability to maintain a boundary is impossible, and without a boundary, there is no reason that I could see to own my power.

This interconnectedness became very clear when starting to work with an example from yet another horse in my life. That boy liked to use his teeth to pull on my shirt, which is not something I would allow to continue. I had to figure out a way to work with him so that he understand that behavior was a definite no but that was also not interpreted as a either a game or a punishment. We did indeed work our way through it nicely, and he no longer does that. But it was while originally writing this out that I had a kind of epiphany: boundaries define the Rules of Engagement.

This for me is a very new way to stating the idea, and the more I think it over the more I like it. Rules of Engagement establish how I interact with the world around me, allowing me to choose what is and is not acceptable. Looking at the concept through the lens of Engagement also means the focus is on interaction, and now I can choose how to engage. Without these Rules of Engagement, there’s chaos — confusion about what’s allowed, constant negotiation over personal space and leadership, and, at worst, danger.

Up until this epiphany, I thought of boundaries as a defense mechanism, a response to something unwanted or harmful. With the Rules of Engagement frame, I am now realizing that they aren’t reactionary — boundaries are foundational. Boundaries are the framework within which I exist and interact with everything around me. They create structure, clarity, and predictability, and most importantly, they reinforce sovereignty, which is the ability to govern oneself.

Nature of Boundaries

My first understanding of boundaries was more akin to a fence or a wall. I am on this side; others are on that side. I see Gandalf on the bridge yelling, “You shall not pass!” which, honestly, is a pretty great summation of how I thought boundaries worked. If someone crossed a line, I believed it was my job to stand there, staff in hand, ready to block their way.

The new concept of Rules of Engagement means that this fence idea is no longer entirely accurate. Boundaries don’t exist just to keep things out; they exist to define that which is “me” – what I am responsible for, what I will engage with, how I will allow others to treat me. The truly interesting part is that with Rules of Engagement, this means that those definitions are fluid, changing depending on the situation and the relationships involved.

Part of that fence mentality also carried an assumption: setting a boundary meant that I had to make other people respect it. But a Rules of Engagement approach indicates that’s actually backwards. My boundaries are for me, guiding me as I move through the world. They don’t need to be argued, explained, or justified to anyone else. Looking at my experiences — both with animals and with people — I no longer think I enforce boundaries like Gandalf on the bridge anymore. Instead, I hold the line by choosing how much of myself I will invest in any given situation, or I change the situation.

Working with my horse, that we talked about earlier, is a good example. My personal Rules of Engagement include the idea that I respect others around me, animals obviously included. The behavior being exhibited could eventually become a dangerous one, so it had to be denied. But he was trying to engage with me in the spirit of play. I wanted to honor that spirit while still fixing the issue. After some study and research, I was able to turn everything around. Literally. When he started to pull on my shirt, we walked backwards. A lot. Turns out, he didn’t like that game. Very quickly he figured out that he didn’t want to play bite-the-human. So I absolutely enforced my boundary, but because I didn’t treat “my boundary” as a territory to be defended but rather as an engagement to be managed, we found a solution that worked for both of us and built on a positive forward looking relationship.

Now that I’m considering boundaries as Rules of Engagement, everything looks different. Boundaries are no longer restrictions; they are agreements that I have with myself. It means that, ultimately, I am the one who determines what my own Rules of Engagement are, why they exist, and if or when I should alter them. The real question now isn’t whether others will respect my boundaries. It’s “am I listening to them myself?”

The Disempowered Guardian

Caroline Myss was the first person who introduced me to what she called the core survival archetypes—these are the Child, the Victim, the Saboteur, and the Prostitute. These, she states, are universal, embedded within every human psyche. Of all these archetypes, it was concept of the Victim that triggered the strongest emotional reaction in me. I rejected it outright. The idea of identifying with the Victim archetype felt unbearable — after all, I insisted I wasn’t weak, I wasn’t helpless, I wasn’t the kind of person who let things happen to me.

If you recall the Triggers Are an Invitation or the Welcome to the Hall of Mirrors episodes, you’ll know that any time we reject something that strongly, it’s actually an invitation to go deeper. That rejection is a manifestation of a disowned piece of ourselves trying to come home.

Eventually, I realized I too had to go deeper and invite the rejected piece home. So I did what I always do — I wrote about it. Or, tried to. I was perhaps 4 stories in and still couldn’t find the archetype Victim. Eventually, the Saboteur showed up and, in story form, took me to a giant wall, stretching as far and as high as I could see. She said: “This is your Victim.” I had to laugh, because seeing my Victim as a wall rather than a weakness instantly diffused my emotional resistance to it. Instead of something fragile, something pitiful, I was looking at something impenetrable. I could interact with a wall in a way I never could have had the character fit my idea of “Victim”. That was when the work of reintegration could finally begin.

At that stage in my life, I was in the middle of my Emotional Blender period, keeping everyone and everything at a distance. Not connecting emotionally felt safe, but it also meant I was completely cut off. The more I worked with it, the more realized in this manifestation it was more of a prison than anything. More exploration, more emotional depth mining, and the wall, over time, morphed into a character clad in a full suit of armor. They informed me: “I am the Guardian of Boundaries.”

Boom! Talk about rocking my world. This is when the work with the Victim took on a whole level of depth for me. I began to see each of these 4 archetypes as a guardian of one of our key aspects. Like all things, there are different manifestations – empowered, and disempowered. The disempowered Guardian of Boundaries is a Victim.

Not because of suffering, or having been taken advantage of, or anything like that. As I came to understand it, and I will grant that there’s definitely more room for growth of understanding, a Victim is one is has disowned or forsaken or ignored their boundaries to some degree or other, for some reason or other, and by extension disowned, forsaken or ignored their ability to manage those boundaries. Reasons can range from they don’t respect or believe in themself to it benefits them more to remain a Victim. I’m sure there are many more reasons and manifestations!

But here’s what I’ve learned about projections through my work with the Hall of Mirrors. Everything disowned in the self, is projected outward. So if a Victim has disowned their capacity to manage or recognize their own boundaries, then those are getting projected out into the world, expecting other people to somehow know, respect, and enforce their boundaries. Which, I now understand using the Rules of Engagement interpretation, will never restore the Victim – because those rules must be internally driven.

So I’m going give you some very classic “victim” statements. I’m not going to go into detail on WHY they are. This is an exercise where I want you to tune into your emotional system. I’ve said it repeatedly that our emotions are our allies, and when we pay attention to those tiny subtle cues that they provide they will always steer us well – even if the ego-mind isn’t immediately understanding what that message is. So this exercise is more about listen to your emotional system respond as I read these statements. Ready? Here goes:

• No matter what I do, life is just against me.
• I can’t feel good about myself because people keep disrespecting me.
• Oh, don’t worry about me. I guess I’ll just suffer alone while everyone else gets what they want.
• I’m stuck. I don’t have any other options.
• Because of what they did, I’ll never be the same.
• If you really cared, you would just know what I need.
• After everything that has been done to me, you owe me.
• This is all your fault, and I won’t be okay until you make it right.
• If someone even tries to cross me, they’ll regret it. I won’t be weak again.
• People always turn on you. It’s better to control them first before they have the chance.

Alright. Could you feel those little pings in your emotional system? I could, but I’m attuned to them now. If you couldn’t, that’s fine – just means there’s more work to be done. In my case, what I felt when I hear these statements would be most analogous to a small hole being poked into a balloon – if that balloon were my energy body, and the hole is now allowing my energy to leak out of it. Now consider why you might feel these are all classic Victim statements?

What I came to viscerally understand during my Emotional Blender period is that moving forward with the Guardian of Boundaries concept meant that as long as boundaries — and by extension, the power to own them — is projected outward, genuine growth remains out of reach.

The Empowered Guardian

So we’ve met the disempowered Guardian. What is the empowered Guardian? I say, it’s the Sovereign Self.

Well, those are pretty words but what do they mean?

This is the version of me that fully owned that I was worthy and capable of taking responsibility for my life, including the choices I was making with regard to the Rules of Engagement.

So let me revisit those exact same victim statement and give you the empowered version. Again, your task is to listen and tune into your emotional system so you can feel the response to these statements. It’s now about interpreting them or cognitively understanding, it’s about feeling the emotional response. Here we go.

• Challenges happen, but I always have the power to adapt, learn, and pivot.
• How people treat me is a reflection of them, not me. My happiness is in my hands, and I set the standard for how I allow others to engage with me.
• I feel unheard right now, and I’d like to communicate my needs directly instead of expecting others to read my mind.
• I always have choices. They may not be easy, but I can decide what aligns with my values and take steps towards the life I want.
• I realize people can’t read my mind. If I have needs, I have to express them clearly.
• What happened changed me, but it does not define me. I have the power to heal, grow, and shape my world on my own terms.
• After everything that has happened, I owe myself healing, growth, and the freedom to move forward on my own terms.
• What happened isn’t okay, and I will hold you accountable, but my healing and next steps are my responsibility.
• Respect is earned through strength and integrity, not intimidation. I can stand firm without attacking others.
• Not everyone is trustworthy, but not everyone is an enemy. I choose discernment over fear.

Alright. Now what did you feel in your emotional system as each of those statements was made? I felt bolstered, as if I wanted to stand a little straighter, as if energy was being put into my system, almost a ‘Yeah!’ type of response. How your emotional and energy system shares information with you is unique to you, learn how to use that information.

Shifting from Victim to Sovereign Self isn’t about becoming harder, more defensive, using bravado, or putting up higher walls. It’s not about demanding that others comply. It’s about learning how to clearly recognize what I will and will not accept, what is and is not mine.

A boundary isn’t about what someone else does. It’s about what I choose to do in response. It’s about taking the responsibility for making that choice.

Do you see now why standing in power is inseparable from the ability to recognize and hold boundaries? As a side note—do you remember which archetype in my wall led me to the wall? The Saboteur. Now guess who is the Guardian of Power? heh.

Working with the Guardian of Boundaries

The next part of my journey was learning how to work with my Guardian. This included learning to recognize all the ways that it tried to get my attention. The entire point of the exercises above was about getting you started on this very process. For me, emotion was the key. I realized that emotion is the body’s way of communicating to the ego-mind what it’s detecting. The body and its energy system know loooong before my conscious mind does. Those systems can process the violations or infractions or support before I can intellectualize them. And they warn me — if I am willing to listen.

When I first started paying attention, everything was screaming at me — anger, rage, emotional reactions that felt disproportionate to the situation. But they weren’t disproportionate. They were accumulated messages I had ignored my entire life. My emotional system had no other option but to escalate the volume. That is, until I started listening.

As I honored my emotions, something shifted. The screaming eventually became a whisper. The initial flood of overwhelming reactions calmed down, became more precise. Over time, I learned that emotion wasn’t something to suppress or manage — it was the single greatest ally of my personal growth and development and my ability to navigate through this world.

Boundaries are not intellectual — they are visceral, felt, integral to our core Self. Ignoring emotional signals in favor of compliance, likability, or going with the flow is self-abandonment. After all, boundaries are the Rules of Engagement — and emotions are the early warning system that tells me when those rules are being broken or upheld.

Learning to work with my Guardian of Boundaries meant learning to trust my emotional intelligence immediately — before discomfort turned into suffering. It meant recognizing that my first reaction was the cleanest, before my brain could rationalize, justify, dismiss, or suppress. Then I started treating emotions as real-time data, now having the experience to recognize that if something feels off, I don’t need “proof” to acknowledge it. This work then opened door to an ability to catch my own patterns of self-betrayal, those moments where I would tell myself “It’s not a big deal”, “I’m just overreacting”, or “I’ll deal with it later”, because those are the exact moments when my Guardian is trying to get my attention.

My boundaries are only as strong as my ability to recognize when they are being tested. And the Guardian of Boundaries does not operate in the mind—it operates through feeling. I’ll go out on a limb and say that this pretty true for the majority of people, but you test this for yourself and learn your how your own system speaks with you.

As Above, So Below: The Individual and the Collective

Everything explored about boundaries for the individual holds true at a collective level. Boundaries for the self are Borders for the collective.

Just as a person with weak boundaries struggles to maintain sovereignty over their own energy, a society without clear borders—whether physical, cultural, or ideological—struggles to maintain sovereignty over its own identity, agreements, and values.

Boundaries and borders are not lines, they are not territory to be defended — they are the framework for relationships that shape what exists within them. Boundaries and borders define what is honored, protected, and nurtured – including shared stories, values, etiquette, the sense of possibility, faith, and integrity. Honoring boundaries and borders is a manifestation not only of self-respect, but of respect for others.

The importance of recognizing the parallels between personal and societal boundaries becomes even clearer when viewed through the lens of the rising Feminine Principle. Globally, we are witnessing a shift of consciousness — one that is bringing the Feminine to the surface so she can take her place beside the Masculine. For the Feminine, she has long been denied her right to set and hold boundaries. Is it a surprise that this very concept is on fire today?

If I, as an individual, struggled to embrace my strength so that I could hold my boundaries, what does this mean at a cultural and global level? Where does that lesson play out on a collective scale? Look around. The echoes of this lesson are everywhere.

Consider the open national border crisis—where some believe that enforcing any kind of boundary is fundamentally wrong, an outdated relic of division and exclusion. Others, however, see open borders as an existential threat, a violation of sovereignty that dismantles the integrity of the whole. It is not unlike the old paradigm where a woman’s “no” was neither acknowledged nor respected, because she was historically was not granted the authority to define her own boundaries in the first place.

Or consider the pimp archetype, an unsettling but relevant analogy. The pimp profits from erasing personal boundaries, convincing those under his control that they do not belong to themselves—that their limits are his to define and sell. Where do we see this dynamic on a larger scale? Who benefits from convincing the collective that borders are unnecessary? Who stands to gain when the Feminine principle—whether in a person or in a culture—believes she has no right to claim, hold, or enforce her own sovereignty?

But just as sovereignty isn’t about isolation, neither are borders. A healthy boundary system doesn’t mean cutting everyone out — it means discerning what is allowed in and what is not.

The Rules of Engagement apply at every scale.

Boundaries, Sovereignty, and the Rules of Engagement

Everything explored here—from personal boundaries to collective borders, from the disempowered Victim to the empowered Sovereign Self, from whispers to screams—leads back to one simple truth:

Boundaries are not restrictions. They are bridges, invitations to authenticity.

Boundaries are choices I must uphold if I am to remain in alignment with myself. They shape how I engage with the world, how I protect what matters, and how I create space for what is truly mine. They are the very foundation of my integrity.

And as personal boundaries define who we are and what we stand for, the borders we see in the world—national or cultural—are reflections of our collective agreements about sovereignty and identity.

For so long, the Feminine was denied the ability to hold boundaries, and now, as she rises, that lesson demands recognition. Learning to set and hold boundaries—without fear, without apology, without permission, without abuse—is a critical part of her return to power.

This is the challenge of our time. How do we remain individuated while moving into a unified whole?

The answer lies in clear, conscious, and sovereign engagement—in understanding that boundaries are not walls of division, but the framework that allows true connection to exist.

Boundaries do not separate us; they define us. And if sovereignty is to mean anything, then our boundaries, personal and collective, are ours to uphold.

The only question left is: Are you ready to claim yours?

TL;DR

Boundaries aren’t just defenses; they define engagement, power, and relationships, creating clarity, safety, and sovereignty in how we interact with the world.

About the Image

I’m an avid gardener, but there’s always more to learn – like planting bulbs a bit farther away from the fence line. Here, my spring plants are working around the fence which is in their way. I saw this and thought it was the perfect image to go with a post on boundaries!

Audio

Subscribe to the podcast on Apple, Spotify, and more. Like what you hear? Share it and leave a review. It means a lot and I believe that the message of owning ourselves and our potential is what this world needs right now. When we are individually standing in our power, we have the make the real choices which lead to a better world for all. Every review and like helps others to find the message, one more voice asking others to bring forth your light!

Video

Video is also available through the YouTube Channel. I decided that since the main image for this post features some daffodils, I’d do the same for the video. These are early spring daffodils in my yard on a slightly windy afternoon.