Developing Your Observer Self

Nov 2, 2018

I’ve referenced multiple times that I wanted you to pay attention to how you emotionally respond to various things and then evaluate those responses objectively. If you’ve never done that before I’d imagine that was a really challenging task. I know it was for me! I asked that of you without going into too much detail about it at the time because those were the beginning steps for what some call the Inner Observer, or the Observer Self. It’s a cultivated ability in which you can detach some small piece of your awareness which is then able to observe you in action. It’s almost like being the star of a movie and the audience, at the same time. This happens often enough in dreams that you might have experienced this for yourself to some degree.

I learned early on that while I really wanted to express my highest potential, the biggest obstacle was … me. Specifically, I was taking actions that I didn’t understand why I was doing them. Rather than continuing to get frustrated with myself, I decided to change tactics.

Understand that the stories which we tell ourselves are hugely influential. These inner stories guide our interpretation of EVERYTHING. When someone takes an action that we can observe, we have a story which we think makes absolute sense. However our story may have nothing whatsoever to do with the story behind why that other person took the action that they. There’s a song in which the singer is in love with someone who has no idea he exists. The lyrics alternate between loving this person and hating them. It’s called “Cooler Than Me” by Mike Posner and it is a brilliant example of the stories we tell ourselves to help explain the actions of another.

“If I could write you a song to make you fall in love
I would already have you up under my arm
I used up all of my tricks, I hope that you like this
But you probably won’t, you think you’re cooler than me
You got designer shades just to hide your face
And you wear ’em around all over the place
And you never say hey or remember my name
And it’s probably cause you think you’re cooler than me”

The story this song tells is that clearly the only reason this otherwise very desirable person isn’t attracted is because she’s shallow, narcissistic, vain and elitist. Do you think that’s this other person’s reality? Does that other person honestly, truly, see themselves that way? But the song never once considers that. I’ve said that we are each the center of our own universe. The trick is realizing that everyone else is the center of their own universe. You are the center of your universe, and I am the center of mine. Is your universe therefore less valid? Definitely not the case. This song is a wonderful example of what happens when we forget that other people are in their own universe and then fail to consider what that other universe might include.

Story Time

In high school the sorts of accusations which this song features were occasionally flung at me, when in truth I was painfully shy and refused to interact with others because I didn’t think they would like me anyway. After all, if I didn’t like myself I couldn’t fathom how anyone else would. Elitist? Not part of my paradigm. The story others told themselves about me had absolutely NOTHING to do with my truth at the time.

So what do you do about this? How can I remember that while I am the center of my universe and therefor can only see that, other people are the center of theirs – and thus my stories will not be THEIR stories. In other words, how I can work to view things more objectively – at least enough to wonder why an action was taken from someone else’s point of view, rather than my own.

This is where the Observer Self comes in. The observer self is what I discovered helps me keep constant contact with the difference between my own stories and external stories. This came into sharp focus for me one day as I was trying to deal with a challenging person. The stories in my own head were not helpful but they were also the only perspective that I had. I ended up shouting “Give me another story!” That was my language at the time for “tell me your point of view so I can reframe what I’m seeing through YOUR lens rather than mine”. That was actually a pivotal moment for me. This was the birth of my own Observer Self. This ability to be both engaged and removed has been critical to my emotional intelligence development and growth.

Now another example that’s probably a bit more common is I want you to imagine an instance in which you said something in the heat of the moment which was hurtful to someone you really cared about – a comment which later was regretted. The Observer Self is the small piece of you that, even in the middle of a heated argument, can step in and say “don’t say that.” Once the relationship with this part of you is more established, not only can that “don’t say that” be heard … it can be acted upon.

The Point

The observer self is the piece of me which has the strength to step back from most emotionally charged situations and think rationally. It’s the part of me which recognizes that I’m reacting to my own version of a story without considering the other person’s story, and vice versa. Imagine being in the middle of a confrontation with someone, when suddenly you recognize that what this person is accusing you of has nothing to do with you but rather their own story they are giving to you that they are reacting to. How … liberating! That’s the best word I have for it. Liberating. How much of your potential is being drowned out by the stories that others are giving you to carry, or stories you are telling yourself that are merely deflections? It’s the observer self that gives me freedom from this, and the stronger and more practiced my observer self gets the less likely I am to be swept away by such dramas.

There is a course I’ll talk about later called “Crucial Conversations” which is hands down the single best, most personally influential set of practical, applicable ideas I have come across. It’s about being able to have potentially emotionally charged conversations in a way that is objective, rational, and constructive. I have learned that for me, success in this arena is largely dependent on how strong my observer self is at any particular moment.

Bear in mind, this observer self comes and goes. I have a fluctuating capacity to have some part of myself emotionally disengage from the situation so I can evaluate it objectively. Some factors I’ve found which influence my ability to call on this skill include but are not limited to: how physically tired I am, how emotionally invested I am in the situation or people, my overall physical health, and how well I know the surrounding circumstances. I also know that it took me a few years to really develop it reliably. Unfortunately this is not an overnight skill. I’ll keep asking you questions which will give you opportunities to exercise this skill set, and eventually one day you’ll realize that some part of you is listening and evaluating with a different set of criteria that you will be able to use and benefit from. In the middle of an argument some part of you will say “huh, I wonder why he used those words. Let’s ask him what he means because I’m curious to know more.” This is a very different voice than the one which is in the middle of the fight saying “how dare he say THAT!” Yeah. One is constructive, and one is destructive. You can’t step up onto rubble, not and have it support you long term. You need solid ground to step up successfully, and this means finding constructive solutions as often as possible.

Let’s get a little nitty gritty here. You know what the Observer is, and you know what it does. For the record, no one is born with this. It’s a skill, like riding a bike. The more you practice it, the more it fails and you learn from the mistakes, the faster and more robustly it will develop. So how do you actively work on developing this skill? I’m sure there are many solutions, but how I did it was by paying increasing amounts of attention to my emotional reactions to situations. I looked for non-threatening situations where I had the luxury of time and breathing room. Watching a movie actually ended up being great practicing grounds for me. I would deliberately watch movies that challenged me emotionally, and then I worked on paying attention to the reactions that I had without interfering with those reactions – just letting them play out while I paid attention to them.

Here’s an example: a big challenge for me is watching any deeply passionate scenes, and this includes verbal fights or arguments, so I’d watch serious dramas with high conflict or high passion. I ended up getting lots of practice just watching my emotional system react without interfering with it because it was a safe environment in which to develop this observational skill. That’s key. Notice we are developing our OBSERVER self. Not our judgy self, or our critical self. I don’t know about you, but those aspects of myself are as developed as I want them to be! No, we are working to develop the skill of simply watching our emotions as they react. My own process included experiencing something, then pausing to fully recognize it. The ability to watch these intense scenes AS they unfolded came later. Whatever your process is, that’s ok. Just keep working on it and keep practicing.

The next step is to then start paying attention to but not interfering with the words that come to mind in addition to the emotions. Those words, the specific words used, come into play later. Right now, the focus is just developing the skill to not only feel the emotion but hear the words that flash through your mind. No judgment! Once you start to apply this skill in your real life situations with other people, it will become easier and easier to spot projections in action as well as recognize when the emotional reaction we WANT to give is not the one we NEED to give. Once your observer self is strong enough to step in and stop you from blurting out hurtful things in the heat of the moment, then you’ll know exactly just what your hard work has given you.

There is a great deal of power here, and I want you to have it. All it takes is practice and a willingness to develop it. There are plenty of people in this world who will never consider developing an observer self. That’s ok. Emotional intelligence is not for everyone. But as I say in the intro, you are here because you are not average. You’re here because in some way the idea of expressing your highest potential appeals to you, and you stick with me because the idea of working to make that a reality energizes and inspires you. So get to practicing the development of this. It’s a skill, and the more you practice it the better and faster it starts to happen. I hope you’ll share with me your successes as well as any challenges you overcame. I bring just one perspective to this story. Add yours to it.

TL;DR

Developing the ability to observe our own emotions as they happen is a vital skill, enabling you to work with an increasing range of difficult situations effectively. Get started on this right here.

About the Featured Image

This was taken at the Saco Heath in Saco, Maine in October of 2018. The original image is of two benches facing each other with the path between them. I split then duplicated the image to but the benches back to back in the center of the image – a bench for the observer self to begin its work.