Ego: Just a Sense of Self

Mar 20, 2018

I was having lunch with a friend recently. Somehow or other we got onto the topic of egos, and she immediately said egos are a bad thing.

Sadly, this is a very common idea. Wishing to know exactly what she was thinking, I asked why she thought such a thing. It is noteworthy that she was so taken aback by the question that she stared at me for a good 15 seconds before answering. I find that this is typical when someone is asked to examine a belief they’ve never really thought about before. As a note, watch for this in yourself – it’s a great way to identify child-mind ideas which the adult-mind needs to re-evaluate with a broader, more experienced worldview. It’s a position in which many feel the need to defend themselves and their ideas, immediately perceiving the question as a threat. This is another red flag for you to be watching for in yourself. Fortunately, this particular instance was met with curiosity. Likely because I framed it as an open question.

Happily, she engaged. Let me recount as much of the story as I can remember, though this is for the most part entirely all paraphrased. My memory isn’t THAT good.

Story Time

“Well,” she began thoughtfully. “Egos are bad because they are overinflated and full of themselves. They can’t let someone else stand in the spotlight.” She paused a moment. “Yeah, inflated egos are just bad.”

“Do you hear the words being used? An inflated or overinflated ego is a modified ego, ‘inflated’ plus ‘ego’.”

She thought a moment, a bit surprised. “Then what’s an ego without the modifier?”

YES! The question I was hoping she would ask. “I see the ego as nothing more than our concept of self. Who we think we are, our place in the world, what we will accept from others, etc.” I’m watching the wheels turning in her head as her idea of ‘ego’ is being examined further, updated and expanded.

“So an inflated ego is … what?”

“I’m not a therapist, but in my experience the people that I’ve met who are full of themselves in the way you are talking about or are true Narcissists, these are individuals who’s sense of self has been damaged at some point. One Narcissist I know, in a rare moment of quiet, admitted that she was terrified of discovering she was empty inside, not really a true person. This is a badly damaged sense of self, one which on average is literally incapable of seeing other people. Not because the person is a bad person, but because deep down they are afraid that if they take their focus off of themselves, that they would disappear.”

“But what about those people who’s ego just can’t let someone else have the win? You know what I mean, when someone is just full of themselves and have snide comments about others, or refuse to give over any control of a project. That’s all ego and it’s bad.”

“I see this as another kind of damage to the ego. It’s an expression of insecurity, a fear that the success of others will take away from our own value in some way. In another context, that insecurity refuses to allow control of something to leave their grasp because to do so means acknowledging a lack in some capacity. Completely false, but entirely and tragically common. Most often it’s this insecurity that I see getting mislabeled as ‘ego’, just as in both the situations you cited. ”

“So an ego in and of itself isn’t a bad thing?”

“Correct. In fact, I think it’s rather essential to navigate through life. Without a good sense of self, we have little in the way of boundaries. Egos only become a problem in the way that you were originally thinking when they are damaged. A damaged sense of self is attempting to compensate for the wounding in whatever way they have found enables survival. Compensation mechanisms are typically mal-adjusted ones. Now some cultures do prefer that individuals have a weak sense of self, because those individuals also tend to be easily controlled. Strong egos are then ‘bad’, in the cultural perspective. We in Western Cultures tend to idealize the strong individual, which typically means a well-adjusted sense of self. What we don’t like are damaged egos, trying to appear as a healthy, strong one.”

“Is over-confidence or an I-can-do-no-wrong attitude a form of a damaged ego?”

“From my perspective, that is exactly how I see it. I also notice that we often confuse confidence with something more sinister or ugly. From a societal control perspective, true confidence is definitely threatening because it means the person has the strength to ignore the societal mechanisms. Confidence in our abilities, a willing to reach just beyond where we know we can go, and a recognition of our true limits is, however, the domain of a wonderfully healthy and adjusted ego. But over-confidence as well as the know-it-all form of ego is an inability or unwillingness to see limitations, often out of fear for being judged poorly, or being rejected, or whatever the damage is that the compensation is working to overcome. It’s another of the faces of insecurity. I’ve also noticed that people threatened by a fully actualized ego tend to be the first to throw aspertions.”

The Point

We went on from there, particularly around Narcissists because she’s dealing with a few in her life right now and had no prior experience with that. I’m bringing up the idea of the ego here because having a good sense of self is pretty darn important when it comes to genuinely stepping into your potential. Until I was able to start seeing who I was more honestly, I couldn’t begin to see my own real potential. I felt that the potential of others outweighed or undermined my own. As a result of my path of growth, my personal style of stepping up revolves around emotional intelligence, and I think the bedrock for good EI is actually a good, solid, healthy sense of self. Can a damaged ego be healed? Of course! But it will require the person to actually want it once it has been recognized. My own damage revolved around self-worth and feelings about my ideas having merit. That damage is why I constantly under-estimated my capabilities, denied opportunities, and choose to keep myself small. Once that damage began to be addressed, everything started to change. I gave you the no-nots game previously which I found immensely helpful. That game is the one I credit for helping steer me in a better direction, opening the door to enable seeing a glimmer of untapped potential. Once this started to happen, I found myself beginning to draw boundaries that before I didn’t have. Things that I once tolerated stopped being ok. I credit this positive growth to a healing damaged ego.

I’m always going to advocate that you strive to express the best and highest version of yourself that you can manage. I also know that what can be managed will grow as the foundation continues to be strengthened in a healthy, adjusted way. The best way I’ve found is by developing and applying internal emotional intelligence. Eventually, that EI gets turned outward to others, but the first step is the self. Just as the airplane safety procedures specify — put your own mask on before turning to help others.

A healthy, well-adjusted ego is someone who knows precisely who they are, who they are not, and has neither the need nor the desire to prove a damn thing to anybody else. Above all, a healthy well-adjusted ego is unthreatened by  others, secure in the knowledge of themselves. With THAT as the foundation, of course it becomes easier and easier to step up into your potential, and it also becomes easier and easier to encourage others to do the same.

TL;DR

An ego is nothing more than our concept of self. A damaged ego or a wounded sense of self means we feel threatened by others to whatever degree the ego is damaged. It also means we cannot honestly manage and hold our true potential. Heal the ego to reach a solid foundation from which to build.

The Audio

The Video

About the Featured Image

I feed crows and I happen to think the corvids are an awesome bird. This was taken during on morning feeding. I chose it because even though crows look so similar, there is still uniqueness between individuals. It felt like a fitting image for a post talking about egos – an often maligned topic, despite the fact they are everywhere.