Exploring Emotional Discoveries

May 7, 2018

My approach to stepping up hinges on building internal emotional intelligence. I’ve said before this takes fortitude, and it’s largely a trial and error kind of thing. I’m sharing what’s worked for me, but there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. The goal is a destination, but the journey to get there is long, varied and highly individual. The kinds of issues that you may be struggling with I may no problem with, and vice versa. That’s ok.

Despite there being no set road map, I’ve laid out the path that I personally took to get where I am. Below is an example of a real-life situation that I had to explore. In order to reach the final conclusions, I had to rely on a number of different lessons learned to date. I’m calling out the posts which will focus on each of these lessons. At this point in time, they are not done yet but you can see exactly what future content you can expect here. So this post will focus on an example of how I go about recognizing and exploring emotional discoveries.

Story Time

Celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary pulled together family that hasn’t seen each other in a while. People ask the usual “what’s new?” My first thought was “I have a podcast now” but what came out of my mouth? What was I willing to publically own? I replied “Nothing much, same old same old”. WHAT?! This right here is the kind of thing which should have the true adherents of self-growth and personal development perking up because this a waving red flag which practically shouts “explore me”.

I have learned that when this type of “I want to say but I actually say” dichotomy happens, it is an attempt at self-protection. Look for the future post called “Self-Sabotage … Isn’t” to learn more (it’s not done yet, I’ll fill this link when it is live). Part of what I recommend you do is to pay attention to all of these instances. These are all major inroads that you can use to gain traction.

When it comes to inner exploration, experience proved that asking what questions works better than asking why questions. Why is actually a distraction which invites judgment rather than incites critical analysis. Stay tuned for next week’s show called “What Not Why” to learn more. The initial question which launched this particular search was:

What am I protecting myself from when I decline to share with friends and family what I’m actually working on?

Because the question was focused and involved what’s rather than than why’s, it thus invited a real examination rather than recrimination. The answer is simply “Judgment”.

Hrm. Well, that’s a pretty decent answer, but I also recognize that it’s still a little vague. As you gain experience working with your inner self, you’ll start to recognize the various deflections and vagaries that you individually like to use. More importantly, you’ll learn what they feel like. Look for the future post called “Developing Your Observer Self” to learn more. Since I’m working to express my full potential, I know that I have to dig deeper especially if the topic is uncomfortable. So I ask the next what question.

What judgment am I expecting to receive that I need to be protected from?

Again, a focused question inviting analysis. The answer: I am expecting that to receive a rejection of the idea that I’m qualified to lead by example on the topic of emotional intelligence, owning value and expressing individual highest potential.

Wow. Ok. That was … illuminating. Now what? This is where your growing library of experiences with yourself will come in handy. Keep asking specific what questions of whatever the answers are, calmly and curiously. At some point on this rabbit hole search, a bottom will be found. In this instance, two questions brought me to the bottom. But this answer isn’t actually the bottom. I’ve done a great deal of work with projections. Look for the future post called “Welcome to the Hall of Mirrors” to learn more (it’s not done yet, I’ll fill this link when it is live). Because of my experience with projection, I recognized that the answer given to my last question waved every single projection flag I know of. This means that statement isn’t actually about THEIR judgment of me, but rather my OWN judgment of me and my work. Rather than owning this for myself, I’m giving it to them and acted as if it was true. This means I have utterly no idea what that other person might actually, truly think of things … I decided that for them.

The truly painful part of this example was owning that this opinion of myself is there despite all the work I’ve done for the last decade. The successes I’ve built aren’t yet enough to outweigh this subconscious idea and so it’s something I continue to struggle with even though intellectually I know full well it’s completely without merit. Look for the future post called “Coming to Terms with Emotional Discoveries” to learn more (it’s not done yet, I’ll fill this link when it is live).

Recognizing Internal Deflection

While this example sounds simple and straightforward, it’s a bit edited. One of the aspects of developing internal emotional intelligence that you’ll quickly run into is that seeing something clearly isn’t always easy, and it’s rarely initially welcomed. Even when you consciously think it is! Especially when you first get started, deflections are probably a very common response you’ll get. It’s Okay, it’s normal, and it’s likely something you’ll encounter very often. Learning to work with and through deflections as you explore emotional discoveries is a very important skill to develop so I’ll share here a little bit of the process I use.

There were a couple of phrases that got thrown around as I was answering the initial question: What am I protecting myself from when I decline to share with friends and family what I’m actually working on?

Answers included: “I don’t want to be seen as a self-inflated egomaniac” and “I don’t want to be singing my own praises”

Interesting. Both of these are “Not” phrases! Use the No Nots game to translate any and all Not phrases into positive wording. In this case, both these answers came out like so:

“I want to be seen as humble” and “I want to be seen as modest”

So I WANT to be seen as something. While that’s interesting and most definitely invites me to look over where they are desperately pointing, those answers don’t actually address the question itself. “What am I protecting myself from – I want to be seen as something.” Do you see how this sidesteps the question while giving the appearance of answering?

This type of answer is a deflection technique that I often use, the goal of which is to attempt to end the questioning before I dig too deep. You’ll learn your own deflection techniques the more you actively work with yourself, and these are examples of mine.

How do I know they are deflections? By now, I recognize the feeling of having something under the surface of a statement, like recognizing when a lid is on a pot. The lid serves a purpose, until it doesn’t. So a deflection is an attempt to steer the conscious mind away from recognizing something it may not be ready for yet. When you encounter phrases like “I want to be seen as (whatever)” ask questions of that. Keep digging. What purpose does being seen as that serve? If the same trait IS the answer, this is a deflection.

Here’s an example of my early work with deflection. “I want to be seen as modest.” What purpose does being seen as modest serve? “Because modesty is a good thing.” This initial question was accompanied by discomfort, along with confusion and frustration because it was felt that the answer was so clearly obvious that the question was just irritating. This irritation is a waving red flag that I recommend you look for. It means there are deeper truths here and the lid does not want to be moved. Work on moving the lid! Keep asking. The question actually remains the same, with the previous answer being unsatisfactory. What purpose does being seen as modest serve? “People like others who are not bombastic or self-important.” There we go. That’s something more real. Being seen as modest means acceptance, which is a survival based need. Now the lid is moving and we’re starting to look into the pot it covers. Now the original statement of “I want to be seen as modest” gets updated with the new information and restated as “I want to be accepted.” From a survival perspective, I already know that being accepted is very important. Asking what the purpose of this goal is would be a waste of time, so I need to look into why the situation which caused this entire reflection episode triggered that particular survival fear. My question now is “What about telling someone I have a podcast trigger the fear of rejection?” This question is essentially a spear aimed straight at a core truth. Answering it means recognizing what’s really going on beneath the surface.

Interestingly, the final answer given above, which I recognized as a projection, is actually a deflection also. It invited me down the rabbit hole of projection, ensuring I missed seeing entirely that I didn’t want to tell friends and family about a personal growth podcast in which I get very nitty gritty and honest. Telling them would mean sharing pieces of me with someone who might actually know me, and thus their judgment could hurt much worse than that judgment of random people I don’t know. So the job of that projection was to assume they already decided my work was less than worthy, because to actually hear them say that would be too painful. Do you see? Deflection can come in many forms!

It will take some practice and self-awareness for you to get to the point where you intuitively start to recognize your own deflections, but when you develop the skill within yourself you can easily see when others are doing it. Sometimes it’s actually easier to learn by watching others, so when you see those behaviors in yourself then you can start to recognize “a-ha! I just deflected myself! There’s something real here.” Like suddenly recognizing that you are standing on the treasure map’s red X.

The Point

The point of exploring emotional discoveries is learning to work with myself in a productive, expansive capacity. It’s a practical exercise from which I expect real world results. It’s not mental bubble gum chewing. In this example, I ultimately recognized that I disowned my value because the content made me feel too vulnerable with people I already knew. This means that I have more work to do on those vulnerabilities. It’s fine to be vulnerable, it’s what makes us human and relatable. It’s not fine to fear a vulnerability to the point of hiding, which is what I did. What am I going to do with this?

Actually, I got off my butt and registered my show with several podcast broadcast platforms – namely iTunes and Stitcher. Most podcasters that I know of got their show listed after only an episode or two. I waited 3 months before finally taking that step, and it was prompted entirely by this realization. But adding the show to these platforms is not the same as telling my family about them. I have told a few, but not many as of yet. This is a work in progress and there are always many more steps ahead. By the next family gathering, I’ll be comfortable enough with myself and my work that I can indeed own exactly what is new in my life and where they can find my show. When I reach that point, I’m pretty sure that my individual issue of self-worth will evolve yet again (link) in some direction as yet unimagined. I also know that I’ll tackle that when I get there.

TL;DR

Personal issues evolve rather than resolve. When that happens, they can be dealt with intelligently by asking the right questions. Once understood, take steps based on what is learned. Here I take you through an example journey of exploring an emotional discovers which illustrates how various lessons learned continue to expand and highlights some pitfalls to be mindful of. Celebrate lessons mastered, and keep challenging yourself to look upward.

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About The Featured Image

My cat truly enjoyed watching the fish in the new aquarium. The fish, however, were less than thrilled. It’s rather like the conscious mind trying to peer into the inner world, with the various interior workings likewise less than thrilled at suddenly receiving attention. You might recognize the little guppy from another post…