Spotting Fears In Action

Feb 13, 2018

In the last post I touched on a truth that everyone has to face – stepping up means stepping out of your Comfort Zone. The moment we step outside of the Comfort Zone, it’s like some primal part of the brain kicks in and begins to wave around red flags. I’m picturing Robot from ‘Lost in Space’ shouting “Danger, Will Robinson”. It’s great that we have an inbuilt alarm system like this. I mean, we as a species wouldn’t be where we are without it. But it can also keep us from reaching our individual potential if all we are focusing on is the sense of danger, of fear.

While some fears are unique to the individual, there are a great many which are shared by humanity in general. Imposter Syndrome is just one of the shared fears. The Fear of Being Alone is another and it is HUGE. It too is very primal. We are a social species, hardwired to group together for protection. Being removed for whatever reason from the group that we have identified with is essentially a death sentence … to the primal mind. Is that death sentence a reality in the modern world? Maybe in some cases, our physical survival is indeed at risk but so far in my life that hasn’t been so.

Story Time

There was a wonderful period of time during which I lived on 10 acres of land within the heart of Cow Country. It was gorgeous! And yet … I didn’t want to mow 10 acres. So I decided to get goats, but since I am into historical re-enactment and love pretty much all things fiber and fabric, I decided I wanted to get angora goats to learn everything sheep-to-shawl as well. As a tidbit, Angora goats are the source of mohair. Anyway, I ran across a lady who was giving away an older boy with one horn, and I couldn’t pass up free! I happily brought him home — my very first, and only, goat. Unfortunately, he hid in the barn 24/7. Not knowing any better, I figured goats are therefore shy. Odd, but ok. After a few weeks I finally managed to get him some friends – 3 females. They also went into the barn and all was fine. Until the next day. I go out to feed them and … nothing. No goats. I began to follow the goat signs up the 1/4 mile driveway to the road. I’m standing on the road, looking left and right, when a car stops and the window comes down. “You lookin’ for some goats?” Startled, I nodded. “They’re up by the store.” That’s another 1/4 mile away! I finally caught up to them about a mile from the house, milling about in a rural church cemetery eating the flowers off the headstones.

I herded them back to the house and shored up the fence which had never been tested before, but that image of a long haired, one-curly-horned goat casually eating graveyard flowers is now anchored in my mind as the image which defines the power of social acceptance. See, by himself, my goat was terrified of the world. He hid where he felt safe. Considering the coyotes and other predators in the area: a good thing, a survival thing. But when he had company… when he was no longer alone, those predators didn’t scare him anymore. He led his merry band of goats without any trepidation at all. On this front, humans are very much that. With our tribe around us, we’ll go anywhere, bolstered by a sense of confidence in knowing that we aren’t alone to face the predators and challenges out there. But when we are alone, that confidence is usually harder to find.

The Point

The fear of being alone is a very primal fear, and very powerful. Do not dismiss it! Remember, we are a social creature, and like that goat, hardwired to band together. Even if that band is just one other person, that’s enough to allay this fear.

How does this fear hinder our desire to improve ourselves? This is a question I want you to seriously consider. Think of all the instances where you could have stepped up into that management role, or raised the bar on some project, or held higher standards when dealing with people. Think of all those instances where you could have done those things, but did not. The challenging part of this exercise will be to simply catalog things, no judgement. This opportunity came up, was declined, and these were the words I said to myself at the time. That’s it. Just a clinical evaluation. See how many different primal fears you cited in this process – fear of being alone, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of loosing everything, fear of becoming a beggar and living on the streets, etc. How many of the ones mentioned are actually just permutations of ending up by yourself regardless of how that came about? How many were about ending up without the necessities for survival? How many were something else?

Right now in this episode I’m focusing on the fear of ending up alone, and what triggers that. Essentially, I’m examining my personal relationship to this common fear and how it appears in me. I’ll set aside the other things this exercise revealed for a later examination, since I find it easier to tackle one subject at a time. In my own case, almost every single instance has included some statement of outgrowing others, of finding I don’t need them, or they don’t need me, or the discomfort of having to find new people. So based on the words being used, I’m not afraid of people abandoning me, per se. I’m more concerned about abandoning them. See how paying attention to the words we use can give us insight into our motivations? Always pay attention to the excuses you use, especially if they are internal. That is personal growth gold right there!

Now that I can see my own manifestation of this common human fear, what can I do about it? I happen to be dealing with a triggering situation right now! I’m in a group and the majority are preferring to keep things unchallenging, non-pressured. I however, want to see myself challenged. I realize now that I’ve been unconsciously holding myself back so that I didn’t grow beyond my friends, and then just dealing with the resulting frustration. Because I can see this situation with clearer vision, I now have a choice. Do I let go of my desire to see what I can really do if I apply myself, or do I stay with the pack and just coast along? If I stay with the pack, I have to completely relinquish all ambition. Previously, I have chosen to make myself lesser than I’m capable of, in order to not abandon the friends I’ve chosen, in order to not end up alone, in order to avoid the discomfort of finding new friends. And in all, honestly, it’s easier just to coast along with the pack so laziness is a factor I have to own. It takes work to step up! But in this instance? I’m actively, consciously choosing to push myself higher. This will require that existing friendships will alter, but new ones be formed. It’s extremely uncomfortable for me, but if I really want to step up to my potential these are the kinds of things I’ll have to do.

I did tell you in the beginning that a genuine path of self-discovery and personal growth was challenging, as challenging as it is rewarding. It means coming face to face with personal demons, limiting core beliefs, and secret fears. That’s not easy, and it’s why I’m attempting to lead by example, as painful as that is for me. Do this exercise for yourself and focus on those instances where some aspect of the fear of being alone is what held you back. Even if that fear included fear of dealing with what those who are most important to you have to say about it! Remember, this exercise is just for you. YOU. You don’t have a tell a soul and you don’t have to DO anything differently. Just see it. Having the courage to be honest with ourselves is actually one of the toughest things we can do, so give yourself a boat ton of credit for even attempting it! For every brave soul who’s decided to join me on this journey, I salute you and thank you for the company. Whether you’re with me for the long haul, or with me for as long as you need me, I’m fine with either. Everything a season, right?

TL:DR

Humans are social creatures and the fear of being alone is a fundamental one that affects a great many of our decisions. Examine instances of it in your life to learn how your relationship with this fear manifests in you so that you can start recognizing it when it happens.

About the Featured Image

Meet Mokie, the hero of my goat story. I wish I had a picture of him eating the tombstone flowers, but this is as close as I have. It’s an old photo, taken with a low-end camera long before I got into photography but it’s still one of my favorites.