Relationship with Money

Feb 22, 2023

I’m going to change topics for this post, returning to a topic discussed early on but otherwise left alone. While some people like to imagine that a journey into consciousness does not involve money, I’ve learned otherwise.

The Story

I have made pretty much every single money mistake imaginable. Yes, this even includes a personal bankruptcy. I remember standing in the courthouse waiting to meet with my court-appointed representative. Bankruptcy is an open room affair, so I got to hear every sob story before I went. My reason was simple: I spent more than I made: chronically, and egregiously. It wasn’t that I there in the first place, it was hearing the number of people who were there for their second(!), third(!!), fourth(?!) time that was a heck of a wake up call. I think I was largely numb to the staggering level of debt that I had wracked up (with nothing to show for it really) and the reasons for it up until this day in court. It was like a lightening bolt to the forehead. What was I going to do with my fresh start? Was I going to be one those people who’ve done this many times? Or was I going to clean up my act and figure this financial thing out?

I vowed to never be in this position again, choosing to take the do-over that bankruptcy affords and do it right going forward. That was in 2003. There is something most stories don’t really mention, and that’s essentially a self-evaluation. What did I do to get into trouble? Well, spending more than I made. Error one to be fixed, but … how? I think I got into the level of trouble that I did initially because of ignorance, and then out of a willful need to pretend everything was ok. After all, I only had to think about it when the monthly bill came, right? And even then, I only thought about the minimum payment required – not the outstanding balance, or the fees that outweighed the monthly payment by 10x or more. I deliberately ignored that number. It was too overwhelming – and then it became overbearing, then crushing. It was this avoidance behavior that actually needed to change, ASAP. I needed to be aware of everything, and not just once a month. I needed a daily status update taped to the center of my bathroom mirror, deliberately shoving “money mindedness” into my face. What I was working on with this approach was changing my “ignore it” habit, and it is NOT EASY to change a habit, especially when it’s emotionally uncomfortable to do so. To facilitate this process, I knew I needed to make it as easy as possible to track what I was doing. I purchased a money management software and continue to use that program to this day. I sorta treat it like an addict would – one day a time, and it will never end.

While I was working to establish a new habit of money mindedness, I began reading personal finance books – blogs didn’t really exist at the time I started this journey but now there is some amazing content out there! As with many, “Your Money or Your Life” is the book that really sunk in and caused a fundamental shift in my approach. I don’t think I realized it much then, but I had an adversarial relationship with money. Over the years of learning to work with this resource on a conscious level in conjunction with the life-changing concept of making my money work FOR me has turned my financial relationship into an amicable one. Money is now an ally, and while it took years to establish new habits and mindsets, it’s been beyond a worthwhile approach. I’m thrilled to report that after having lost everything to the point of living out of my car and depending on the kindness of others in order to eat, that I’ve not only reached but exceeded the initial “pie in the sky” target. There are many more milestones still to come, but that initial one was the biggest hurdle because it included turning the ship around. If I can figure out turn this financial thing by self-education and taking initiative, so can you. One day at a time, starting today.

The Point

I shared that background because I learned a lot from the experience. That includes a profound understanding of the connection between our relationship with money, and our relationship with ourselves – our self worth, and our sense of personal power. There is a huge shadow that is often eagerly embraced which is essentially the idea that “money is evil, and since I’m not evil, I therefore can’t have money. If I’m poor or struggling with money, it’s a sign of my virtue.”

If even one tiny part of those two connected statements resonated with you, then guess what? That shadow could be playing havoc with your money life. Here’s the thing – money is just money. It has no inherent power. If a pile of cash were sitting in the middle of the floor, could it do anything? No. It has no power in and of itself. Take a moment and imagine actually walking into a room and finding a big stack of money, waiting for you. What is your emotional reaction? Excitement? Surprise? Dread? Disgust? Relief? Greed? Guilt? Remember that when we’re exploring emotional discoveries, let the emotions reveal themselves without acting on them. Emotions are our allies (future episode!), and if we have a habit of paying attention to them then they are the single biggest insight into our own inner world that – for the most part – we are ignorant of. So leverage your observer self to help remember the series of emotions you had when you mentally walked into that room with a pile of money just for you. If you need to, pause this episode and just go through the exercise imagining it, visualizing as much as you can. Then remember all the emotions that came up.

Close on the heels of the emotional reaction will come the thoughts. What kinds of things – and in what order – goes through your awareness of what can be done with this surprise windfall? Maybe Pay debts? Get a new wardrobe? Upgrade the car? Give it away? Invest it? Leave it?

One of the hardest things to do is to face ideas of ourselves that we do not like (future episode!). As an example, perhaps you see yourself as a ‘good person’ and so when you initially felt the need to go grab up all the money and run away to hide it, this was rejected. “No, that’s just a joke. Really, I felt …” What about that first thought of a no-holds-barred shopping spree? Perhaps this too was denied as not being ‘valid’? “No, I wouldn’t really do that. I’d do this …” But these initial feelings and thoughts are so important! Recognize them honestly. It’s ok! You can’t work with what you can’t see. See it! It’s just YOU, and know that you are still a good person, whatever your reactions and ideas were. At this point, the exercise is about getting a glimpse into our relationship to the power that we think money gives us.

I will say that the responses I had at the beginning of my money journey and the responses I have now are radically different!! What I’ve done just now is given you a starting point. The book I cited, “Your Money or Your Life”, does a great job of putting money into perspective. A sudden windfall will not solve any problem – what it will do is highlight all existing problems. The number of people who’ve won the lottery and ended up broke just a short time later is staggering, and is an illustration of this truth. Because it’s not the money – it’s our relationship to our own self-worth, and our own sense of our power in this world. Why do you think money is also the biggest argument in any partnership?

Money is a huge topic and I like to keep my episodes pretty short – bite-sized, if you will. I’ve touched on Money before in this podcast because I know that coming to realistic, grounded, and workable terms with money in all its manifestations is integral when it comes to stepping up to our potential. These are the key things from which I’ll start building on in future episodes:

1. Money is a resource, not a solution or a cause
2. Our relationship with money is a manifestation of our relationship with our own power, our own ideas of what we are capable of doing/being, and our concept of what we are worth
3. Change the relationship if you want to have any lasting change in your financial situation

My journey into financial literacy was vital but it didn’t change any behavior. As I dug deeper into the process and realized that the roots behind the decisions I was making and the emotional reactions I was having were actually manifestations of my mindset around my own capability to handle my potential, that is when my financial situation truly began to evolve. Stepping up to our potential involves embracing the full range of our sovereign power, and money is very much a part of that. Ignoring it does not make you ‘spiritual’ – it makes you unconscious. There was a statement that I still use as a guiding principle. It came into my awareness when I was still suffocating under a mountain of debt and simultaneously wanted to financially support charities of choice. “You cannot give what you do not have.” This ostensibly is a statement about money, but it’s actually a much bigger statement. If you aren’t empowered, you can’t honestly empower others. If you don’t have joy, you can’t give joy. You get the idea. So, given everything talked about here, what do you want to give to the world?

TL:DR

Money is a thing. It’s our relationship to it and all it represents that guides our decisions and actions. Your financial life, like most everything else, is a reflection of this set of inner attitudes. Skills can be learned, but if the relationship doesn’t change – its manifestation won’t either.

About the Image

This is an Arabian stallion at a high end barn near me. The grounds are gorgeous, the horses well taken care of, and it’s nationally known among the Arab horse world. For some, a horse like this is a status symbol and for others it’s a treasured friend. When you see images of obvious wealth, pay attention to your emotions. Each and every one of them exists because of some element of a story that is going on in your core self. As we know, the stories we tell ourselves guide everything. What are your stories?

Audio

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Video

Video is also available through the YouTube Channel. The background is a broccolini plant in full bloom. You can see the bees in the background. Every time I moved the camera to get more of them in the shot, they moved too. Still, seeing the bright yellow flowers swaying gently in the breeze was pretty.