Mar 6, 2022

Self-Sabotage … Isn’t

Self-Sabotage is something I am extremely familiar with, and something I battle with greater and lesser success seemingly daily. If you’ve ever had issues with this destructive pattern, I’m sharing what I’ve learned on how to uncover the root causes and then share some ideas on what to do once all of that is known. To start with, think about a time when you realized that you had sabotaged a conscious desire. I’ll give you a second to bring to mind an example. … Got it? Alright. As we go through this episode, try applying the concepts to your example and see which ones apply and why.

Before we go too deep into this episode, be sure to review both of the episodes on Identity which are Identity – Our Greatest Asset and Identity – Our Biggest Liability? Both of the ideas that were introduced in those episodes will be brought forth a little bit more in this episode and so going back and reviewing those two might help flesh out this concept a little bit more for you.

What IS Self-Sabotage?

I’ve learned over the trials and tribulations of building emotional intelligence that my subconscious self always seeks to protect me.

Let me repeat that here. Our core self, the subconscious mind, always seeks to protect itself. Always. Every action is about protection of this core self in some form or other, even if that ‘protection’ actually harms the body, mind, or conscious self. Self-sabotage is a protection mechanism enacted by the subconscious mind seemingly against conscious intention.

That’s a cool idea in general, but in the aftermath of watching hard work crumble because of self-sabotage, it’s a hard one to actually believe. While struggling to really accept that my actions were some form of protection which I was failing to recognize, I started to ask myself “What am I trying to protect by preventing this sought-after goal from happening?”

Notice, first and foremost, I did not ask “why” … I asked “WHAT”. If you don’t remember that episode, it’s another good one. Asking What actually inspires an answer without judgment, especially when considering internal motivations. Asking myself why I do something is more often an invitation to abuse myself and that solves nothing. Stop with the ‘why’ and start with the ‘what’ if you’re really serious about this journey toward expressing your true potential.

Back to the question – “What am I trying to protect?” I think everyone’s journey will be a little different, but I’ll tell you mine. First, it was outright denial then anger at the concept that self-sabotage is actually a protection mechanism. It took me several months to really work through these emotions constructively, so if you find yourself rejecting this concept then I can entirely understand where you are. I’ll also tell you it will be well worth the effort to work through this stage because being able to constructively and intelligently address self-sabotage is gold.

After the anger phase, when I started to really understand things, my first attempts to actively work with sabotage situations became about deflection. Take a look at the episode on Exploring Emotional Discoveries to learn more about dealing with deflections effectively. Just understand that humans are masters of not seeing what we don’t want to, and while I’ve yet to meet someone devoid of this characteristic there are some among us who more gifted at it than others. Just keep going on your emotional journey and move through deflections by continuing to ask deeper and more specific ‘What’ questions until you reach the core reasons. This is a skill, and only by continued application does it get easier and faster.

The Meat of It

It took me about 6 months of processing and practicing all the denial then anger then deflections before I started to get real answers. Maybe you’re faster, maybe you’re slower – everyone goes through things on their own time and whatever your timeline is, that’s the perfect one for you. While you start on this journey, I’ll go ahead and share some of the most common core reasons for my own seeming self-sabotage. You can use these as a guide, but I doubt this is an exhaustive list. If you find reasons I don’t list, please share them with me. I’ll add them so that others can also benefit. Here’s the question again and a variant:

“What am I trying to protect by preventing this sought-after goal from happening?”
“If the goal had succeeded, what would not have happened that should have?”

Number One

If the goal had succeeded, an Identity would be compromised. This is a HUGE one and is actually one of the main contributors to Identity being our Biggest Liability. It’s very rare that the response actually says this – you’d have to be pretty self-aware before you can actually say ‘an identity would be compromised’. Note that if any of the 5 things that I’m about to cover next are used in the answer, then it’s typically an Identity situation. What are some examples I’ve found?

(a) Punishment. “If the goal had succeeded, I would not have been punished like I believe I should have.” The subconscious doesn’t seek to punish – this is a deflection concept. Why is it a deflection concept? Punishment is what is required when an identity is violated. What is the punishment for? For me, most of the times it’s due to violation of an Identity.

(b) Guilt. Related to punishment, and again a deflection concept. Dig through the guilt and I’ve found it is a result of some Identity violation. “I guilty because I was a bad daughter and therefore I didn’t deserve to have good thing I was striving for.” The identity in this example is ‘good daughter’ and the guilt leads back to a concept of punishment.

(c) The results is Undeserved/Not Earned. Again, related to punishment and again, a deflection. If it’s not earned, then that means that the identity that you’re striving for has not been lived up to or if it’s undeserved, that again you’re striving for an identity that is not truly embraced. Keep digging past this rationalized deflection, and for me I’ve learned it’s usually related to Identity.

(d) Unworthy. This includes all those “not smart enough”, “not talented enough”, etc etc. This one so far has been a direct Identity issue. Remember the test for I am? “I am not smart enough to get that goal.” That’s an Identity statement, and the sub-conscious will help enforce it.

(e) It’s just not me. Now that is the clearest and most concise response I’ve ever gotten which is clearly an identity one. “I didn’t work hard enough to get the jobs I was going after, even though I thought I wanted them, because I knew deep down that they just weren’t me.” It’ll probably take you a while to get to stating your What response that clearly, but you’ll get there with practice.

What’s really fascinating about how the core self works to protect Identity and our ideas of who we are and what we can do, is that well-being is completely absent from this equation. It’s not even about survival. Identity will over-rule survival and well-being when and where necessary. That’s how important this is, and why it’s both a massive asset and a tremendous liability. Alright, moving on.

Number Two

If the goal had succeeded, change would result. The adage which applies most is “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.” As a species, we don’t like change because it brings the unknown. From a subconscious point of view, think “I know I can survive this because I have so far, but I don’t know if I can survive what comes next.” Fear, or at least suspicion of change, is a Survival Mechanism.

A subset of this is: If the goal had succeeded, I’d have to face the situation I’m desperately avoiding. If you have the emotional chops to actually admit this yourself, huzzah! It’s typically a deflection for or variant of ‘change would result’, but it’s common enough that I figured I’d call it out. It’s self-sabotage through avoidance. This is actually a main underlier for my own minor addictions as well as most of my depression episodes. Now that I know this about myself, I can typically catch it before too much damage is done.

Number Three

If the goal had succeeded, that would require more effort than I’m willing to put in. Another way this could be stated is ‘The goal really wasn’t that important to me.’ Anytime the effort required to make something happen just doesn’t seem worth it, it’s because the goal isn’t that important … not really.

So far, all of my self-sabotage is actually a means of protecting myself in one of those 3 big ways called out here, with number 1 (protecting identity in some form or other) being the most common. This led me to realize that self-sabotage … isn’t. What it IS is a big red flag that I have a major disconnect between what I consciously *think* I want and the emotional truths that underlie my actions. Recognizing that the emotional truths WILL win means that I have to figure out what they are through diligent questioning, being open to the answers, a willingness to work with those answers, and the ability to figure how to make an ally of my emotional landscape to order gain what I’m trying to consciously gain. In cases of self-sabotage, this can mean working to alter or modify an identity enough to include the new goal, or recognizing and actively owning whether the required change and the effort needed will be things I am actually willing to live with. This then leads me to the next episode — shoulding on myself. I hope you’re subscribed to any of the podcast or to the email list so you get it when it comes out.

Until then, practice looking at your own examples of self-sabotage and keep in mind that every one of them was actually an attempt to protect yourself in some way. The challenge is finding out exactly what was being protected and what was the goal for protecting that. Good luck! I know you’ve got this.

TLDR

Self-sabotage is a self-defense mechanism protecting us from something. Recognizing the emotional realities underlying the various instances provides guidance on how to reconcile the emotional core with the conscious wants.

Originally recorded in November of 2019.

Always remember: I’m not a therapist of any form. Some of these emotional awareness issues might possibly be too large for you to handle without some help. If you feel you need help, get it. There is zero wrong with finding the help you need when you need it!

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