Stories Guide Everything

Feb 3, 2019

Today I’m going to build on the ideas from the Developing Your Observer Self episode. I talked in that post about reacting the way that we do because of the stories that are going on in our heads. Another, more common way of phrasing this concept is that we react the way that we do because of our interpretation of events and actions. But what guides our interpretation? That would be our underlying story.

I’ve found that most people are often completely unaware of just what those stories are, or even that they have them. Some folks are actually angered by the idea that behind their interpretation is a story because in their view a “story” is made up and of course their own guiding principles are definitely no made up. But that’s not at all what a story is — a story is a narrative which creates a framework of understanding. How accurate or true to made up that narrative is has nothing to do with the fact that the narrative exists. If you are feeling a reaction to this idea that stories are guiding your decisions and responses, take a moment to examine exactly what is prompting this. You can learn some valuable things about yourself!

Back to the point of this episode: stories are the foundation for our idea of How The World Works. Guess which version of you came those conclusions of How The World Works? I hope you said “the Child version of me” because that’s exactly right. Almost all of our ideas regarding how things are were decided long before you reached adulthood, in most cases long before you reached 10! See, the child’s job is to learn how to navigate through life in order to survive. A child MUST do this quickly because a baby is pretty helpless to go hunt food, build a fire, make clothes or fend off predators. Being able to do those things often takes years, so how does a child survive in the meantime? By very rapidly figuring how best to get those things from the adults around them. And this is where the child begins to put together the stories for what works to survive, and what doesn’t. That narrative may or may not be accurate, but it only remains active if it is a useful one. What is an example? A baby cries and gets attention – food, cuddles, diapers changed, etc. So baby very quickly figures out “cry = attention”. An argument can be made for instinct here, but lets move forward a few years. Baby is now a young child. Do you think the story of “cry = attention” has altered? I have certainly seen plenty of children crying to get attention, heck I know plenty of adults who do this! That story is still in play because it’s getting reinforced every time it’s invoked.

What other stories can you think of that your Young Child Self might have decided is How The World Works? These are the stories, ideas, and interpretations which are so deeply embedded in the concept of self that it will likely be difficult to spot them without a great deal of help from your Observer Self or possibly even emotionally savvy friends. Bear in mind so far I’ve only touched on the individual stories, but there are bigger, familial and cultural stories that we absorb as kids and don’t have the capacity to examine objectively. Consider for a moment how your dominant culture’s creation story of who made what, how and why might be affecting you without you being aware of it. Until you find and consciously work with these stories, you will be at their mercy.

Story Time

I’ve been working with this concept a long time now, and I know how hard it can be to catch the deepest stories, the ones so far down you have no conscious idea they are there.

Here’s one that I was able to identify early on, but I didn’t realize just how deeply embedded it was until much later. In my family, the Victorian idea that a woman should be frail or sickly in order to be really appealing is very strong. I recall as a teenager seeing one my wheelchair-bound aunts happily basking in the generous and constantly tender attention of her husband. Many of the other women would comment favorably on this situation, and I remember being so envious of her. Was this isolated? No. My grandmother was a sickly child, and as an adult had a bevy of issues – all of which were supported with care and loving attention. Is it particularly shocking that a child watching this might think that in order to get that kind of attention they too must be sickly? If not sickly, then at least injured.

Remember here: Child Mind logic is not Adult Mind logic! Do not use the same measuring stick for a child’s conclusions, even if they are your own child self’s conclusions, that you would for an adults’.

Look for the language that slips. My grandmother was constantly talking about the laundry list of ailments she suffered, and she treated it like a competition. As if being the most sickly, she won. So I grew up steeped in this unhealthy notion from all sides. Once I saw it, could articulate it, suddenly I saw it so much more clearly and wanted no part of it. I have done a lot of step away from it and thought that I had succeeded. Until one day I mentioned having a headache and the person I was with was not only completely unsupportive, but rather dismissive. The level of emotional betrayal that flashed through my system brought me up short. Now this is NOT about the reactions of someone else, it’s about my own. That flash of betrayal was my waving red flag that I had more work to do on this particular story. Can I ever truly get rid of it? I’m not convinced I can, but I can create alternatives and start reinforcing those.

The Point

There isn’t a single thing that you do or an interpretation you have which is not guided by some story somewhere within you. Is it bad that we have stories? NO. Stories ARE our guiding principles which tell us how to act, who we are, what is acceptable behavior, etc. Stories will always be there: to guide us, to warn us, to defend us, to spur us to action. By calling this fact into conscious awareness, what I am trying to relay is that those stories can either be consciously adhered to, or changed. Like my family’s story of only the sickly women being worthy of love. That’s a damaging story and I do not want that story subtly guiding anything about my life. I sure as heck don’t want that story passed on to the next generation. But if I am unaware that it’s even there, well, then I don’t have that choice.

So how can stories be identified? Is it really going to surprise you if I reply “start paying attention to your responses”? I hope not, because that’s the answer and I say it often. Pay attention. Be curious. Ask yourself “now why am I feeling like that in this case?” Probably the best place to start is to look at situations with high emotion, most especially any sense of betrayal. That’s an immediate “story violated” response. Anger as well fear can also be, but remember to look for senses of “that is right” when stories are affirmed.

While we’re paying to the emotional reactions, also start listening to the words used within your own head. Where do words like “those people” or “it’s just not right” or “that’s offensive” etc pop into your head? These types of words and phrases are also guides that you can use. The more you practice paying attention, the more effective they will be as guides. My mom made a comment once that when she had ankle surgery and I didn’t do more to care of her that it made her feel like I didn’t love her. Woah. Talk about a direct expression of the story “sickly/injured = attention/love”. So listen to the word choice. They’ll tell you far more than most folks think.

If you want to start catching some of the cultural stories that might be influencing you, then I suggest begin by watching shows from other cultures. I was able to start identifying all kinds of cultural narratives just by watching BBC – a culture close to my own, but different enough that some of the interactions jarred me into awareness.

If you find yourself having trouble starting, then begin with your reactions to the statements I’m going to share in a bit. Pick one that really has an obvious response for you, and start looking at it. I will warn you, it’s generally not pleasant to do this sort of examination – especially at the beginning. It’s why so few people are actually emotionally aware of themselves – but I’ll say again, you are not average. You can do this!

Let’s take a peak at your idea of the world “out there”. As I make a statement, practice using your observer self to monitor your emotional responses. Remember, we’re building EMOTIONAL awareness – not more brain awareness. What think isn’t as important as what you FEEL here. If a word or phrase pops into your mind, make note of it but set it aside for later. Here we go:

The world is a scary, dangerous place.
I am small and insignificant.
I am fully capable of handling anything comes my way.
In general, people are good.
Parents shouldn’t outlive their children.

Now I can go on, but I hope at least one of these got enough of an emotional response that you can start on it. Whether that response is a sense of agreement or a sense of violation doesn’t matter. That you were able to feel and recognize that response IS what matters. Emotional awareness is all about a willingness to see, paying attention, and practice. The more challenging a situation is, the more you stand to learn from it.

So that’s all I’m asking of you with this particular post. Be aware of your own stories, even if it’s just to start by recognizing that you HAVE them. The more you learn, be aware of which stories are being triggered by which situations. Is it a story you WANT to keep? Or should that story be changed? By extension, be aware that everyone else has their own stories. Even shared cultural stories are influenced individually. If someone is acting or reacting in a way that baffles you, then I hope your observer self can spring into action enough to cause you to wonder ‘what story are they reacting to?’ The job of the observer self is to guide you into a better understanding of your own emotional landscape, and by extension other peoples’. Understanding the stories that you, in some form or other, accepted as true enough to help guide your life is perhaps one of the biggest tools in your stepping up to your potential emotional awareness arsenal.

Next up we’ll start taking a look at projections.

TL:DR

Stories are the core guiding principles which determine how we interact with life, the world, ourselves and those around us. Most of the time, we are completely unaware of this and thus at their mercy. Step up to understanding with these tools.